Phantoms and Ghosts

McDonnell-Douglas F-4J Phantom II

I saw this airplane, a McDonnell-Douglas F-4J Phantom II, when visiting the San Diego Air and Space Museum with my father.  This particular example was flown by Lt. Randall Cunningham (pilot) and Lt.j.g.  William Driscoll (radar intercept officer), but my dad flew the same type during the same time period, the early 1970s, during the Viet Nam War.  He was in his 20s and being catapulted off aircraft carriers in pointy-nosed airplanes to fight the commies, a genuine Yankee Sky Pirate.

SAM homing in on an F-4 over North Viet Nam

It's hard for me to imagine it. Becoming  carrier-qualified and then going to war in an unforgiving beast like the F4J, attacking the enemy, bombing heavily defended bridges, flying close air support down in the mud where even small arms fire could take you out, evading anti-aircraft fire and surface-to-air missiles, dueling MiG fighters....  

And the idea of being shot down, captured by the enemy--assuming you survived--and tortured if not beaten to death, as so many of our men were:  How could you fly missions knowing that risk was there every time you flew?
I don't understand how you could manage that not once, not twice, not dozens or scores of times, but more than a hundred missions over enemy territory.
My dad flew combat missions against the enemy during the North Vietnamese Easter Offensive in 1972, participated in the Christmas bombing of North Vietnam when our guys went "downtown" and

SAM exploding under an F-4 and setting it on fire.

bombed Hanoi--inflicting so much damage that the communists finally agreed to peace (not that it lasted all that long).
And you know what?  He never mentioned any of this to us kids growing up.  In fact, he never said much about it, even when I asked in later years.  He'd just tell some funny stories or talk about technical issues, discuss the flying characteristics of the airplane.That sort of thing.
But as far as what he felt about flying combat missions in a war, how he managed his emotions, kept himself professionally-oriented to do the job

F-4 breaking up and going down in flames after SAM hit.

and not screw the pooch, as they say; well, that was not something he cared to talk about, and if you were to press him on it he would get a little peevish.
It was just a job was all he would say.  He signed up for it so he did it.  He took Uncle Sam's two bits and did what Uncle told him to do.  And that was the name of that tune.
 I can understand that, actually.  I've seen the elephant myself and I have no desire to discuss it in more than the most general, non-personal terms.  It was what it was, and it's all in the past now, just ghosts pushed to the back of my mind.  I did my job.  Period.  End of story.
That's all she wrote.