I was thinking about this old guy I knew when I was in college, just some guy I met while sitting on a park bench. We got to talking and became friends, although, as has been not unknown to happen, he believed my cordiality implied romantic interest, which it did not. That put the kibosh on our friendship. The fact that he was three times my age did not suggest to him that...well, you know. I liked him, but not that way. And it had never occurred to me that he would like me that way.
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He couldn't get over her death, and what I came to realize was that he was keeping her alive in his novel. That's why he worked on writing it every day of his life, writing, re-writing, editing, "polishing" it, as he said. I wondered why he didn't submit it to a literary agent, who would advise him on shaping it for publication. He said he had and that the agent said it was a very promising first novel but that, at 700 pages, it was too long for a publisher to accept as a first novel by an unknown. He suggested cutting it down to 300 pages. That my friend would not do. After that he didn't bother with agents or publishers. He just kept writing and re-writing, reliving the magical year of 1967, the pinnacle of his life, when he was in love as only a teenager can be.
Some time after I had lost contact with him, while browsing Amazon I ran across an author by his name and I wondered if it could be the same person and checked out his author's page and, yes, it was him and he had finally published his book, self-published it.
Well, today I tried to find his book on Amazon. I decided I should read it, wanted to read it. But I could not find it. I'd forgotten the title, and, honestly, even his name. I had to think hard to recall it. His first name, of course, I remembered, but not his last name. Finally it came to me and I searched Amazon for him. I found authors with the same name, but not him. I didn't understand that. I thought an Amazon listing was forever.
I tried to find e-mails from him, but I only found some that didn't mention the title of his book. Maybe we only talked about it. But I did find his obituary. It was in an e-mail from a someone I didn't know that I had never opened, presumably a friend of his who sent the obituary to those who had known him. Probably at the time I didn't want to be reminded of him, the end of our friendship still fresh in my mind, so I ignored it, the heading not mentioning the content, merely "About ---."
Died after a long illness. Cancer, I suppose. I wonder if, when he knew his life was over, he decided to publish his novel, letting "her" go to live on in the life he gave her in his mind so that she would live in the minds of others who might read his novel.
I don't know. But I would like to think so. Rest in peace, Robbie, and long may your Lily live.