Sunday, May 30, 2021

Memorial Day


There will come soft rains and the smell of the ground, And swallows circling with their shimmering sound;
And frogs in the pools, singing at night, And wild plum trees in tremulous white,
 Robins will wear their feathery fire,
Whistling their whims on a low fence-wire;

And not one will know of the war, not one
Will care at last when it is done.

Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree,
If mankind perished utterly;

And Spring herself, when she woke at dawn,
Would scarcely know that we were gone.
~ Sara Teasdale 

 






Friday, May 21, 2021

Good-bye, LCpl Calvin Smith


 I was a CACO for a while.  Because of my educational background and training, I was expected to be especially good at it.  I tried.  It was hard, but not as hard as it was for those I visited to see me.  Not even close.  I thought about how I could make it easier for my relatives should a CACO visit them, but I never really thought it would happen.  No one ever does.

Monday, May 17, 2021

Les jours s'en vont, je demeure

Taking a look backThe time goes so fast.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008




The quarter-century mark. One-third gone. At least. Most likely. Oh, well.
Actually, 2008 was a pretty good year for me, all things considered. I moved on. I acquired professional credentials. I am officially a scientist. Huzzah! I can teach at university level, should I choose to. I decided what I am going to do with my life--waste it! Haha! Not!
I have some more goals to accomplish, but I am on track for those.
I've decided to have..., to do...; well, those are for me to know because they involve only me.
But I have decided, after almost 3 years of not believing it, that I am happy, more or less, most of the time. I've also decided that, as my dad says, I'm lucky. He means it in the sense of being fortunate, maybe being blessed.
For one thing, I'm not stupid in the low IQ sense--I'm top 5th quintile, and pretty far up in that. I may lack common sense, but I ain't stoopud. I don't say that to boast, but to recognize it. What if I had an IQ of 95? One out of three people has no more than that. One out of two people has an IQ of 100 or less. That's just a statistical fact. So I should appreciate what my brain allows me to do. Four-year college degree? If you don't have an IQ of at least 115, you won't be able to earn one. Masters degree, even more IQ power needed. Ph.D? More still. I don't have to worry. Lots of people do, so they can't achieve goals that I can.
That doesn't make me a better person than they are. Just lucky. Like my dad says.
For another thing, physically, I am lucky, too. I am a natural Size 4. I don't struggle with weight problems. I'm not big-boned, heavy-set, chunky, plump. I don't have cravings for fatty foods or sugary foods. Nor am I really thin, flat-chested, bony. I'm just right in the middle. I don't have a lot of body hair. I might shave my legs a few times a year, mostly just for the heck of it. They don't really need it. I am naturally blonde, which seems to be a big deal, considering how many brunettes bleach their hair to look like me. Too bad for them the carpet doesn't match the drapes, lol. Nor do their eyes. Brown-eyed blondes? Oh, please! Again, I'm just lucky.
I don't have a problem getting pregnant. I've been surprised at how many women struggle with that. And I've decided that I want to have a child again. For a long time I swore never again. Not again would I make myself hostage to fate. But.... I shall.
What else? I could go down a long list. I'm an American, a Christian, heir genetically and culturally to Europe, the greatest civilization in the history of the planet. I'm not saying that to be superior to those who are not, but to remind myself I could have been born in Somalia or Afghanistan or... Luckily, I was not.
I was not born in poverty. I was not abused as a child. My parents took care to educate me and instill in me the work ethic, respect for learning and education, a love for nature, animals and the outdoors. They taught me...well, so much. Pleasure in reading, in music, in art, in history and science, in cooking, in making others feel good, compassion, empathy. Maybe I haven't made as good a use of these things as I could have. But I will!
Despite my times of doubt, I do believe in God and a universe created with a purpose. I am not a reductionist. How is that lucky? Well, lots of people don't believe life has a purpose or that there really is a God. They may say they do, they may even believe it, but by their actions it is clear that they do not. A person who in her heart of hearts believes life is without significance or value cannot be happy in the face of her on-rushing rendezvous with personal oblivion.
I have debated this point countless times. I have thought about it endlessly. I have my own personal experience with non-existence and felt the rush of wind from the wings of the Angel of Death. I have dealt with the deaths of those so close to me as to mean more to me than my own life. Without an abiding belief in God and Purpose, I would have stepped off long ago.
Oh, well, I digest....

 A couple  of responses:

"F" wrote:

If you believe in nothing, you have nothing, no goal, no ultimate purpose... no life.

I'm sure that you will make a great mother, and will raise a beautiful and well educated human being to be kind, decent, intelligent and respectful to the values of life and nature itself. Whoever the father may be will be a very fortunate person.

All of the things that you wrote about yourself in this entry, and a lot more, are the reasons of why I consider myself blessed to have known someone like you, and more importantly, to be able to call you my friend... a real friend! :-)

"D" wrote:

I wanted to say thanks for this blog entry. It is very uplifting and it’s wonderful to hear that you have found happiness in your life. That is a precious thing.

The thing that intrigues me about your intelligence is that many people with high IQs use their intelligence to belittle others, whereas you use it to help people and even sometimes go out of your way to hide it. That is something quite special. By the way, if you want a good example of irony, the British headquarters of Mensa is based in a place called Wolverhampton; a city of people with possibly the lowest IQ in the country!

 


 

Cómo Han Pasado los Años

How the Years Have Passed 


 

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Conversations with a Ghost


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I chat with her about as often as I do with anyone. I ask her questions. I even argue with her. She explains things to me, forces me to think about subjects I know little about. Every time I have a conversation with her she teaches me something.
She's my favorite aunt, no question about it. And one of my favorite personalities in all the world. But I have only the vaguest memories of her. She died when I was a small child.
No, I don't hold seances or channel her spirit.
But I do read her books. My dad inherited them after she passed away...I guess no one else wanted a bunch of old paperbacks...and I have been reading them for as long as I can remember.
The books are, for the most part, not ones I would have bought. Lots of politics and political philosophy. Lots of European history. Government. Economics. That sort of stuff.
My aunt was no mere passive reader. She was a margin writer. She commented on passages that struck her. And she underlined, starred, drew exclamation points and question marks. She wrote-in the definitions of unfamiliar words. The end pages of her books are covered with commentaries, summing-up thoughts, assertions.
She held no author in awe, even her favorites, jotting a snide comment here, correcting an error of fact there.
Once in a while she tucked in a letter she meant to mail later, but somehow never did. I discover these gems and read them with an eager curiosity, peering into a vanished life that I am more familiar with in some ways than any of my friends' lives.
Here's a letter I found slipped into a book about the Spanish Civil War. It was written in 1976. It's on very cheap, newsprint-like lined paper, written with a ball-point pen, red ink. I have no idea who the people named are or more than vaguely what the subject matter is--

Hi, Carlos,
Don't know where you are or when I can mail this but thinking of you. Reading Homage to Catalonia. From that as a taking off point got into some pretty hairy arguments Saturday.
What is a Trotskyist--what I think it is--(communism to succeed must be international)--then why was calling the POUM Trotskyist like a dirty word when they were called that by the communists (PSUC)?
Shirley's finance is a JackASS. He likes to argue but refuses to back up anything he says except with a 'trust me' or 'take my word for it.' Thinks he's a big something as he's an E-4 in NSI--air force intelligence I think-- I got fed up with some of his asinine statements, said 'Who the hell do you think you're kidding--don't think you've ever read a book--a newspaper or even seen a news program.' Blew my KOOL!
Sometimes I get so damn frustrated at how stubborn & stupid people are. He brought up something about the Mayaguase (Sp?) & was hoo-raying our govt. So I asked a question & asked him to give a yes or no answer & he kept saying he was answering but never did--he back-tracked to Hitler somehow. Felt like yanking his hair out!
Ye GODS! We argued from 8:30 to 12:30 & got nowhere.


It ends as if she intended to write more later, tucked the letter inside her book...and forgot about it.
I so love her spirit, her intensity of feeling, her passion. I can't imagine arguing politics for four hours, but I so totally get her frustration with ignorant, stupid people.
I wonder so much about her life. Whenever I have asked those who might know, I have gotten only vague replies. I used to think that was deliberate, but now I believe it is more likely because they don't know. What I do know is that she left home before she graduated from high school. That she had a stillborn child while she was in high school (or could it have been an abortion?--an unmentionable thing in those days). That she was married twice--the first, to a hold-up man who ended up in prison, being annulled; the second to someone everyone agrees was a bum and it didn't last. That she lived in Europe for some time, then in San Francisco and was in some way part of the beat/hippy scene. That she became a commercial artist.
Then she got cancer and died.
I have only the vaguest personal memories of her, and those may be confused with photos I have seen of her. In those she looks gaunt and strained, but seems to be always forcing a smile, being cheerful with a kind of look that says "Oh, don't mind me. I'm okay, really."
She always has a cigarette in her hand or is sitting next to an ashtray full of stubbed-out cigs.
She wears a pleated skirt, turtleneck, knee-high boots and a beret, her hair cut about three inches below her ears. In photos taken outside, she often has on a leather car coat and dark sunglasses.
She looks beautiful, like a young Catherine Hepburn, but a young, ill Catherine Hepburn.
I see echoes of myself in her. I am passionate about the things I care about. Someone recently pointed out to me that I don't suffer fools gladly. I hadn't thought about it, but I guess it's true. Just like my aunt!
I think about all the hours, the endless, tedious, frightening...doomed days she must have spent in hospitals--oh, do I know all about that!--and when I find in one of her books shakily underlined the passage, "It is sound instinct that warns people to keep out of hospitals...Even now doctors can be found whose motives are questionable. Anyone who has had much illness, or who has listened to medical students talking, will know what I mean...."; well, I feel such an affinity for her, such a longing to somehow say to her, "Oh, I know! I know!" I want to touch her hand, look into her eyes and say, "You and I--"
But she's been dead for 20 years. Twenty years. Technically, that is. Because for me, she is as alive as anyone else in my life; at least in a certain way. I know what she thinks--thought--about so many things. Her thoughts are still there in her books, written down fresh as they came to her, and when I come across them, reading the exact same book, it's as if she speaks to me, pointing something out, directing my thought where it might not have gone. Nobody else does that with me. Nobody reads what I am reading as I read it, commenting to me about it as I go along. It's a very intimate experience. Very real. Very much in the present.
So...how can she not be? How can she no longer exist? How can she have been consigned to oblivion before I even knew how to read? I refuse to acknowledge that.
I refuse.

 

Friday, May 7, 2021

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

Wise man

“I like women who haven’t lived with too many men.
I don’t expect virginity but I simply prefer women
who haven’t been rubbed raw by experience.
There is a quality about women who choose
men sparingly;
it appears in their walk
in their eyes
in their laughter and in their
gentle hearts.
Women who have had too many men
seem to choose the next one
out of revenge rather than with
feeling.
When you play the field selfishly everything
works against you:
one can’t insist on love or
demand affection.
You’re finally left with whatever
you have been willing to give
which often is:
nothing.”
Charles Bukowski

Sunday, May 2, 2021

Time Out


 Overheard: 

 "... and that's why I went to jail wearing a carbide lamp."

 When I was crossing the border into Canada they asked if I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

 Q. What did Jeffry Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
A. Are you going to eat that?

  I'll tell you the meaning of life,
 but first you have to promise not to laugh. 

“In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take.”
—Adlai E. Stevenson

"A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, nobody's home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
~ Rodney Dangerfield

A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."
So the guy figures he'll fix them, so he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives me crazy: it seems like every time a good-looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a black guy."


"In Starbucks my dawg and me sat,
 ’Cause dat where de white womens at.
 We’d like to drink lattes
 While watchin’ de hottays,
 But a n—– just cain’t affode dat."
~ Desanex 

"In my sex fantasy, nobody every loves me for my mind."
~ Nora Ephron 

Just because he's deployed doesn't mean  I'm single.

 

“She was trouble looking for somebody to happen to.”
― Ross Macdonald

“People are strange: They are constantly angered by trivial things, but on a major matter like totally wasting their lives, they hardly seem to notice.”
― Charles Bukowski 

"When God created you lying naked in bed
He knew what He was doing
He was drunk and He was high
and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time

He made some mistakes
but when He created you lying naked in bed
He came all over His Blessed Universe.”
― Charles Bukowski

 

 



Saturday, May 1, 2021

Next Generation

Watching the ships sail away, Yokohama harbor, 1966.
I made a post about a Japanese woman my family knew who was born in Mukden and ended up working for the US armed forces Far East Network.
This is about her daughter, whom I mentioned in that post.
Well, she grew up as a fairly normal child of postwar Japan and graduated from what is called a commercial high school, basically a trade school, as I understand it, where she learned to type and take dictation and file.  That sort of thing.  After graduation, she went to work for a subsidiary of Nissan.  She was ambitious, and assumed that she would advance through company loyalty and hard work.  In the new Japan, with it's Franklin Roosevelt New Deal American-guided emphasis on equality and opportunity, there could be no doubt of that, she believed.
However, after several years of serving tea and smiling politely and being asked to entertain VIPs, she came to realize that no matter what the official line was, she could never be anything more than an "office lady," as Japanese termed women who worked in the corporate world.
She was not happy about the situation, but didn't know what to do.  Finally, an egregious episode of sexual harassment that her boss laughed off decided her to quit, an unheard of thing for someone working in a giant conglomerate like Nissan; you were part of the Nissan family and lived in Nissan-built housing, took vacations to Nissan-owned resorts, and, of course, drove a Nissan car.  In return you were guaranteed a job for life, with retirement on a generous pension at age 55.
She threw all that away and found a much lower-paying job with a small cosmetics company.  The reason she took the job was because they promised to send her to the United States as a demonstration model and sales representative.
The USA was the promised land, according to her mother, so she leaped at this opportunity.  She arrived in the States during the Bicentennial, and traveled to department stores everywhere from Raleigh to Minneapolis, Jacksonville to Pocatello.  You mention a city to her and she will name the department store she worked at.
Her contract with the cosmetic company was limited, however, and after it was up, she returned to Japan.
But she had seen a different world, one in which she saw women in charge of entire store departments, handling purchasing, sales campaigns, you name it. 
The Evangeline in the early 1980s.

The women did not defer to men, as far as she could tell, and it astounded her to see women order men about and get promoted above them.
She had to get back to America.  She worked a few more years at various jobs, saving every yen until she had enough to pay for study in the United States.   She flew to Los Angeles and found a room at the Evangeline, a women's residence near downtown and began studying English at Evans Adult School.
The world she entered was harsh and unforgiving, with no second chances.  For example, at the Evangeline, meals were served at certain times and if you wanted to eat, you couldn't be late.  Five minutes after the dining room doors were opened, they were closed and locked.  You could eat as much as you wanted, but you had to clean you plate completely.  You were not allowed to take any food out of the dining room, not even a cracker.  Proctors with hawk eyes watched  everything that went on.  You couldn't even talk too loudly without being chastised. She recalls another Japanese student who tried to take a boiled egg out of the dining room after eating breakfast, slipping it into her pocket to eat later.  She was caught and expelled from the residence. Gone by noon.
Absolutely no alcohol was allowed on the premises and anyone who tried to smuggle any in would be kicked out.
No men were allowed to enter the Evangeline beyond the lobby.  And then only if they had business, the mail man or UPS driver.
The women who lived at the Evangeline were either foreign students or old white ladies, each of whom had a story of why they had ended up there at the end of their lives.  None were good stories.
The Evans Adult School was equally harsh, the teachers demanding that you perform at your best and unwilling to accept less than that.  She particularly recalls a Miss Rosen, a bitter woman who had failed to earn a Ph.D., and now taught ESL to a motley collection of foreigners she made no effort to hide her contempt for.  She was constantly reminding her students that if she thought they were not sincerely trying, she would have them expelled, their student visas revoked, and they would be deported.  She hammered into them the fact that Evans was support by the taxes of American citizens who expected them to work hard and be successful in return for their education.
She remembers that two Chinese (perhaps Taiwanese) students were expelled at the order of their teacher, a Mrs. Yamamoto, because they had, in Yamamoto's words, "betrayed her," presumably by cheating. 
After completing her course of study at Evans, she attended Pasadena City College, intending to get an AA degree in bookkeeping.  She didn't think any higher than this.
She left the Evangeline and moved to South Pasadena, becoming an au pair girl for a well-off family.  They put her in the laundry room, next to the cat's litter box.  She slept on an inflatable camp mattress on the floor.  She cooked and cleaned, did laundry.  She also did the grocery shopping, being given a limited budget to do so.  Many days, the family ate all of the meals she prepared and she had nothing to eat.  Her weight dropped from 107 lbs to 95 lbs during her time with this family.
She had difficulty with her classes at PCC because her English was not up to college reading levels.  Sometimes she would spend two hours on a single page, going back over each sentence again and again, dictionary in hand, trying to grasp it's meaning. 
But eventually she improved, so much, in fact, that one of her instructors told her she should not settle for being a bookkeeper, but should get a four-year degree in accounting and become a CPA.
He recommended the accounting program at UCLA.  Unfortunately, just at that time there was some kind of professors dispute at UCLA and the entire accounting department left and joined what was then called Pierce College (now Cal State Northridge).  As a result of this, there was a waiting period of more than a year before new accounting students would be accepted.
She was, however, able to be accepted into the accounting program at USC.  To pay for this, she took a job as a book keeper for a Japanese firm in Little Tokyo.  Her hours there were very long, and she often didn't return home till after 2am.  Then she would do her au pair chores and prepare meals which the family could heat up for themselves.    This arrangement was not accepted and she was discharged.
She found out she was no longer the family's au pair when she came home from work one night and saw her belongs piled on the front porch and a note telling her to collect them and go.
For the next few weeks, she lived at her place of employment, keeping her belongings in a pay locker at the downtown LA Greyhound bus terminal.
When her boss found out he put an end to that.  She moved into a room at the Rosslyn Hotel next to skid row in downtown LA.  Initially, she paid $100 a month for the room, which swarmed with cockroaches and had no bathroom -- that was down the hall.  But then she got a job working the front desk and her room became free.  So she was working two jobs plus going to  USC full time.  Her weight dropped to 92 lbs.  She developed a chronic cough.
She did not own a car, in fact did not know how to drive, so walked or took the bus everywhere.  She shopped for clothes at used clothing stores, but usually nothing fit her; everything was too big.  So she would alter them herself, cutting and sewing while she manned the hotel front desk.
Despite all, she managed to graduate from USC with an accounting degree and also passed the state CPA licensing examination.  She applied for work at the Big Eight accounting firms, as they then were, one of which was run by a self-described USC mafia -- everyone on staff was a USC alumnus.  They hired her at a good salary -- a fabulous salary as far as she was concerned.  She was able to move into a studio apartment in a decent neighborhood, learned to drive at a driving school and bought a used Toyota Corolla.  She spent almost all her waking hours at work, the demands of her clients and bosses were brutal, but she was happy to have a real job working as hard and appreciated as much as her male colleagues.
After a few years, she bought a house in Burbank and a new Camry.  Then she was hired by one of her clients at a substantial increase in salary.  She had an expense account that was not closely monitored and a company car, a Buick Park Avenue. 
The company owned a number of restaurants at which she and her guests could dine for free -- Il Fornaio, Norwood, Johnny Rockets and several others.
She gained so much weight that she had to go on a diet.
As a weekend getaway, she bought a condominium in Avalon on Catalina Island, and a 27-foot Neptune sailboat.
After a few years, with a thorough knowledge of how to make money in business, she started her own company, which became quite successful.  She bought a house in Palos Verdes, drove a Lexus, sailed a 44-foot Pacific Seacraft yacht.  She traveled extensively, developed an interest in opera and bought season tickets to the New York Metropolitan Opera, vacationed in Europe to see operas there.  In short, she was successful, well-off and enjoying the good life.
As an example of how well-off she had become, her last business venture, something involving a Brazilian company, resulted in a personal loss of $4 million.  She was flat-out cheated by the Brazilians, as she tells it, and has nothing good to say about that country or its people.  "All they have is credentials and pride!" she says, though I'm not really sure what that means.  She says she was robbed seven times on trips to São Paulo and had to ride around in an armored limousine.
She was able to sell her investment in the Brazilian company and recover her loss, but then decided it was time to retire.
So these days she tends her flower garden at her home, enjoys the view across the ocean to Catalina Island, and talks about her life with interested visitors.
She loves America and thinks it's the greatest country in the world -- "this country is so generous!" she declares with honest emotion -- and is contemptuous of anyone who has a bad word to say about it.  She despises American blacks and thinks they should be "dealt with in some way."  She says they should be ashamed to behave as they do and doesn't understand why they are not embarrassed by their criminality and parasitism.  She likes Mexicans, admiring their hard work.  She acknowledges they aren't all that bright, "but that doesn't matter," she says, "because they are not ashamed to work at whatever job they can do, no matter how hard it is.  They will be successful in this country."
She doesn't like Chinese, saying they cheat and are dirty, but her best friend is a Chinese born in Japan, who now lives in Monterey Park in Los Angeles.  She points out that although this person was born in Japan she is still regarded as Chinese by Japanese and she could never become Japanese, but had she been born in America she would be considered just another American.
Would she, herself, have liked to have been born in America?  "Yes!"  Why?  "Because then my English would be good."
Those days at Evans and the Evangeline still live in her mind.  As do her days as an au pair.  She can't stand the sound of a washing machine and has her laundry sent out.  She visited Japan recently to claim her Japanese social security benefits, a pitifully small amount but she earned it and would have it, and visited her brother, who lives in a modest apartment in Chiba.  To her, everyplace was crowded and ugly, everything was small, even yogurt cups, overpriced and not as good as anything in America.  She left earlier than she had planned to because everywhere she went reminded her of why she left.  Her only regret that she wasn't able to leave when she was 10 years younger.