These long winter nights, with nothing much to do, leave me plenty of time to think.
Oh, the days are busy enough, and 'tis the season for ice skating, which I do enjoy and haven't been able to indulge in for the past two winters, being incapacitated in one form or another. But this winter I lash a cushion to my hind end and sally forth, a bit wobbly after so long away, but I'm getting better. El jefe, of course, is a master, cruising around the ponds and creeks with his hands behind his back. Except when he breaks out into song.
Then he gestures to the phrasing, sometimes spinning around. The other day he sang "All the Things You Are" as he held my hand and we skated together. Oh, my. Oh, my.
My mother was sitting on a log keeping the latest addition to the family warm and comfy, my mini-me beside her, and the two holy terrors were having a snowball fight, the purpose of which seemed to be to hit the other from as far away as possible, so they would hurl a snowball and if they hit -- no dodging allowed! Chicken! -- they'd back up a few steps and try again. When they missed, it was the other's turn. A game they made up themselves on the spur of the moment to challenge their skills and train themselves in stoicism. I'm impressed while at the same time thinking no girls would ever invent such a game, so don't tell me a girl could announce she was a boy and actually be one. And vice versa. Just get out of here with that nonsense.
I repressed the urge to call out "Don't hurt yourselves!" The mom in me worrying about her babies. But I did think their game was an improvement over el jefe teaching them to belch "The Star-Spangled Banner." When the three of them do it in chorus it is actually rather impressive. I put my foot down when he requested breakfast, lunch and dinner of chili beans for the trio so he could teach them to.... If you're gonna do that, do it outdoors. And, despite me, he will teach them to do it, perhaps in combination with the belching. Once they master it, they will want to demonstrate it to their mom. My task will be to observe and compliment while holding my breath and trying very hard not to laugh.
Again, something girls would never think to do. And shouldn't. If I discovered my mini-me imitating her brothers, I would have a sit-down talk with her, explaining that young ladies do not employ gaseous intestinal tract emissions to perform our nation's anthem, and certainly not for show-and-tell at school, and never mind what her brothers do; boys have certain liberties that girls do not. That is this world that we live in.
Where was I? Oh, yes...
But soon enough evening comes, supper is prepared and eaten, kitchen policing done, folks retire to their various occupations, grandma reading, kids doing homework assignments, el jefe dealing with ranch paperwork or working on one of his hobbies; sometimes the boys will skip homework to hang out with him but my mini-me perseveres, and me...well, here I am.
I think about some past conversations I've had that make me think how lucky I am. But then I wonder if my luck will hold. You never know, do you?
I recall a conversation I had with a widow at a sort of get-together after the funeral of her husband. I offered my condolences and expressed my sympathy for how hard it would be for her to manage alone after 60-plus years of marriage, and to stay married that long both she and her husband must have loved each other very much. To my startlement, she said she never loved her husband and was relieved that he was finally gone. I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing.
She looked at me, whom she hardly knew, and said, "You must think I'm getting senile or am some kind of horrible person and how could I stay married for so long to a man I didn't love, in fact, didn't even like."I started to say something mumbly neutral, but she kept going almost as if she were talking to herself. "I was tired of working, that's why I got married. I quit school and went to work. It was the Depression and we were poor, poor like you today can't imagine. I had only one decent dress to wear. Yes, one, and I wore it to school every day. They made fun of me, even the teacher. So I quit and went to work. You can't believe all the rotten jobs that paid hardly nothing I worked at. Finally, I got a job as a waitress at the railroad cookhouse serving the line men that paid good plus I got room and found. I could start saving money and buy some decent dresses and a pair of new shoes. The boss saw me dressed well and said to work at the front restaurant serving train passengers. I got tips there but it was hard work and the cook was a brute.
"One day he came in, sent to be stationed at the army camp, and we got to know each other. Then his unit got orders to go overseas and he proposed and I thought why not, it can't be worse than what I have now. So we drove across the state line to a justice of the peace and were married. Why did we cross the state line? I was not of legal age to marry in our state without my parents consent and I had not seen them since I left home.
"How long had we known each other? Six weeks. Yes, six weeks. After we were married, and he was quick to get me pregnant, he shipped out. Oh, it was hard after that, so hard...."
She stopped speaking. I waited for her to continue. But she didn't. While I was trying to think of something to say -- I didn't want to ask any impertinent questions or say something callous -- she walked away and stood looking out a window. I wondered if I should go over to her, but then thought she ended the conversation. Let it be ended.
Later I told my mother about what the woman had said to me and asked if she had known any of that and my mother said that she didn't know her well enough to pry but had sensed that the household was not a happy one. I asked why the woman had not divorced her husband and my mother said that in those days divorce was not something that was done. Oh, maybe rich people did it, but those below dared not. A divorced woman would never be married again and she would have to fend for herself, probably have to move away to somewhere she could say she was widowed just so she could find employment. And think of her personal situation. She quit school in sixth grade (that surprised me; I was thinking high school), worked as she told you in unpleasant situations away from home so you can imagine what sort of things happened to her. She had no education to speak of, no training. So being married, even a marriage such as hers, was the best chance she had.
I wanted to ask why didn't she go to a trade school, take night or correspondence courses...something, but my mother anticipated my question with a shake of her head. Neither of us could know and there was no point in speculating.
Later I learned that she was 11 when she quit school She had three children. One daughter was paralyzed in a car accident and she took care of her at home until the child passed away some years later. She had a son who the father persecuted until he left home, quiting high school, and she never saw or heard from him again. The remaining daughter graduated from high school, married a city bus mechanic, had five children, widowed early (husband had diabetes, heart attack), didn't remarry, but otherwise enjoyed a normal suburban life that included her mother. All her children seemed to have normal lives, with jobs, homes, spouses and their own children.
Of the husband's situation, or what his life had been like, I learned nothing. He had lived alongside this woman almost his entire adult life and I would like to have known his side of the story but I never found out anything.Why did he stick around and pay the bills? What was it between him and his son? What did he think about his wife? Did he love her? Had he once? But after he died, he was erased from the family history.After recalling this story, I should have thanked my lucky stars and comets that I had a much better marriage than that woman had. But I didn't. I just worried that somehow something would go wrong in my life and all the good that I had would shatter and scatter. So I grew glum, wondering why life had to be so rotten for so many people, and if there was a God, why he created such misery -- and worse, much worse -- for so many of those he created. Why couldn't he have made this world a happy one? Was God a sadist? Or just a practical joker with a sick sense of humor? And so my mind began to tumble down an existential rat hole.
To stop it, I did what you can guess I did. I played some tunes and danced to them, dialing down my amygdala (dancing does that -- I lieth not!), and forgot about everything but the now I was alive in.