A year

Above the marge of night a star still shines,
And on the frosty hills the sombre pines
Harbor an eerie wind that crooneth low
Over the glimmering wastes of virgin snow. 
~ Lucy Maud Montgomery

 

A bitter cold day, with a raw north wind and relentless rain and sleet mixed with snow.  It began last night and, except for brief teasing interludes -- once even with a burst of brilliant sunshine -- it hasn't stopped.  It didn't rise out of the thirties all day.  The mountain tops are covered with snow and the ocean is a constant rumbling roar with occasional ominous thuds...I guess  big sleeper waves crashing ashore.
The weather matches my mood, dark and gloomy and full of sad resignation.  My heart trapped in muddy slush.
Oh, well.  Not the first time.  Could be the last.  Who knows?  It was just over a year ago my dear friend lost his battle and went on ahead.  How fast a year passes!  His grave is now covered with dead needles of cypress and pines and a few blown down twigs. I brush them away chatting with him about the weather, hoping he is warm and safe. Safe!  Why not pretend he is still with me?  Why not delude myself?  Or is it delusion?  And what does it matter?
Twice I decided to go outside and walk to break my mood and remind myself of the great, wide world out there that doesn't care about me and my questioning gloom.  The first time, around midday, I put on a heavy, rain-resistant coat and a rain hat and sallied forth, but I didn't get very far before I concluded I really didn't want to go for a walk.  Just as I was deciding to turn back I almost collided with a big black cat who was making his way along the same path I was, but coming towards me.  His head was down against the weather and he didn't even notice me.  I saw him first and stopped, but he kept coming until he was almost upon me.  Then suddenly he became aware of me and halted short, staring in surprise.  Clearly, he did not expect to see a human out in such weather.
We eyed each other for a bit, then I decided to backtrack and turn off the trail.  I expected him to resume his journey, but he just kept watching me without moving.  I thought about having a contest of wills with him, to see who would move first, but then decided I really didn't care and retraced my footsteps. 

My coat and hat were dripping water and my boots were soaked when I got back, and I was chilled.  I made some tea and put a dollop of cream in it to go along with the sugar.
The second time I tried for a walk it was just before dark and I hiked up a ridge on a trail through the forest.  The trees broke the wind and provided some shelter from the rain and sleet.  About halfway up the ridge, snow began falling more than rain, and it collected wetly on the cold ground.  The trail grew slippery and I skidded a few times, almost falling.  Then it was all snow, swirling down so thickly it was hard to see ahead.  I was thinking to myself how dumb I was to be out in this weather as darkness was about to fall, but also how smart I was because my mind was wholly concentrated on the now and I had no room to dwell on my grief.  It was forgotten in the struggle to make my way forward.
Just as these thoughts were half-forming in my mind, I encountered deer.  As cold as it was, they had no warm, waterproof coats to put on.  They had no buildings to retreat into.  As with all wild creatures, they had to endure.  What troubles did they have?   They fed and mated and avoided predators, gave birth to young and spent their lives with their birth herd, which was really their family, three or four generations deep, living on the same land as their ancestors had for...how long?  Thousands of years maybe.  Who could tell?
I watched them for a while, as they watched me.  Like the cat, they stood still and waited me out.  After a while, as the sky grew gloomy with the setting of the invisible sun, I turned back on my footsteps and made my way home descending into a darkness that was somehow comforting.
It was all right.  I would get over this. The storm would pass, as all storms do, and the sun would shine again and day after day would be warm, dry and pleasant.  I would even see the deer again.  Maybe even the cat.