So I piled everybody into the van, one of those big old E-350 Econoline jobs and hit the road. We had nine souls on board: me and mom, my mini-me, the baby and the toddler, the two boys and two aunts.
Along the way I had to stop for gas and to give everybody a bathroom break. The pump hose was twisted and I was trying to get it untwisted when a man filling up on the other side stepped around and said here let me do that and I let him. He looked in his early forties, broad-shouldered, fit, no gut, wearing jeans, tee and a battered ball cap. His hands were rough and calloused, arms tanned. Once he had the hose untangled, he held up the nozzle, winked at me, inserted it into the filler pipe and got the juice flowing. Then he touched his hat with a finger and headed into the station office. I watched him go. My kids swirled around me, my aunts jabbered. My mom, holding the baby, looked at me.
The pump dinged and my mind snapped back into focus. While I was replacing the hose nozzle and trying to pay, the man drove off without me noticing. The pump wouldn't let me pay for some reason so I went inside to pay. The clerk said a guy had already paid for me. I couldn't quite process that for a second. Who? I asked and he said that guy in the baseball hat.
Oh. Who was he, I asked. He didn't know. The man was a regular customer but he always paid with cash. Did he say anything, I asked. No, he didn't, just said he was paying for the lady with the van.
I walked back to the van wondering. That fill-up was like a hundred and fifty bucks. Why would he spend that much money on someone he didn't know? He didn't chat me up or anything. Our whole interaction was less than a minute, with maybe a dozen words spoken between us.
My mom was watching me as I came back to the van and climbed in. What? she said. Oh, nothing I guess, I said. That guy who untangled the hose for me paid for our gas. Why would he do that?
My mother looked appraisingly at me then said you know why.
But he doesn't know me, I said.
My aunt, who had been listening, said, he knows you, dear, at least by sight. And she told me who he was and proceeded to fill me in on his biography.
While she was talking I started the van and drove back onto the highway. As I did so, my other aunt cut in to say, well, I don't know who he is but I wish he'd point his nozzle at me the way he did at you, dear. Both aunts cackled.
********
For lunch we stopped at a local burger stand. It's family owned and operated, serving burgers made with local beef and veggies. They bake their own buns. They also serve roast beef sandwiches. They make great potato salad for a side and serve homemade pies for dessert.
Behind the stand they have picnic tables under shade trees, a place for children to play and a dog-walking area. A bit behind the picnic tables is a creek to wade in or skip rocks.
After we finished eating, the kids rushed over to the playground and my aunts and mother went wading in the creek. The toddler and baby stayed with me to get their lunch. I unbuttoned my blouse and let them have at it. Using the double cradle hold I fed them both at the same time. If I didn't, my toddler would throw a fit. But I told him I needed him to show his little baby sister how to latch on and suckle without hurting mommy (He was the biter, not the baby, but now with a job to do he didn't bite and suckled gently.)
I relaxed against the picnic table, enjoying the day and the feel of my little ones against me, looking up at the fair-weather clouds. Some women get stressed out by breast feeding but I have always found a sort of dreamy pleasure in it. My whole body relaxes in contentment.
While I was nursing, a high-school-age sat down at the next table to eat his lunch. He glanced over at me a few time and I smiled at him. When he finished he asked if he could talk to me, calling me ma'am. I said sure and he came over and sat down beside me. He said he'd never seen a woman nursing before and was it okay if he looked and I said okay. His attitude was a nice change from the usual scowls and growls I got when I nursed in public.
He asked after me and my husband. I said I was a new widow and really hadn't got used to it yet. He said it was awful to hear that and his cousin's husband was killed in an accident at work last April and it was a really bad thing. Then he said he was just starting his junior year in high school and would be 16 next month. After he graduated he was going to join the Army. He wanted to be a tank driver. I said that was an admirable goal. I didn't know any tank drivers and he would be the first.
He asked me what it felt like to nurse and how long did I nurse, looking at my toddler, who was 29 months old, and greedily sucking away. He asked why I didn't bottle feed with formula and I explained the natural advantages of breast milk. He asked what breast milk tasted like and I said I didn't know, never having had the urge to drink my own milk. But I had let my husband taste it and he said it was sweet. You mean like Eagle brand, the teen asked me and I said maybe.
My toddler broke off nursing and scrambled down, asked where his grammy was, spotted her and trotted off. My baby unlatched and posited, so I put her in her cradle and took out a couple of handiwipes to clean her and then myself. The boy watched everything I did intently. When I began wiping my breast he asked why I did that and I said to keep it clean and prevent any infection. He watched me holding my breast and using two wipes to make sure it was fully clean. When I opened another handiwipe to clean my other breast he asked if he could do it, please could he. I hesitated, then said okay, sure. He took the wipe and began to carefully clean my breast, giving special attention to the areola and nipple. Then he hesitantly cupped the breast, looked up at me and I smiled okay, so he wiped the whole breast very gently. His hand was warm and I enjoyed his touch.
When he finished cleaning, he put down the wipe, leaned forward and lightly kissed first one and then the other of my breasts. I was a little surprised but not much. I was still in my semi-dreamy state which his caressing -- and that's what it was -- had brought full on. He looked up at me and asked if he could taste my milk. I nodded and watched him take my nipple in his mouth and, kneading the breast with his hands like a cat, begin sucking. I felt strange. For some reason, I kissed his forehead. He stopped suckling but still held my breast in his hands, looking at it. . Then he looked at me and said, It's wonderful, like it came from God. He wiped my breast clean again. Then he hugged me and said he thought he loved me.
I closed my blouse and said it's nice to be in love. It's one of the best feelings in life. I'll take care of you, he said. I'll marry you so you won't be a widow. You won't have to worry about anything. Just as soon as I get out of the Army I'll marry you.
I smiled at him, took his hand and pressed it to my lips. If you still want to when you get out of the Army, I'll be here, I said. Oh, I will, I will, he said.
A woman was yelling. He looked around. That's my mom, he said. I better go. She's probably mad at me. She's always mad about something. You're not like her at all.
And he ran off, turning around once to say I'll marry you! Don't worry about anything!
Then he was gone.
