Third time's not the charm

 Remember when I was laid up with my busted bones and big bruises my uncle and cousin said that when I got all better we could go dancing in the big city?  Well, we did, taking unc's Cad for the long drive to the bright lights of Gotham City, Jr.  And, indeed, we checked into the same hotel, my uncle generously paying for a suite on the top floor, the two men sharing a bedroom and I having one all to myself. This time we made sure everyone knew we would be staying overnight, so avoiding the problems we created during the previous trips.

There were no big bands playing, nor any jump blues combos or anything of that sort.  But the dance club where my uncle and I danced to a big band revival orchestra last year was having a disco Friday night, so we'd made reservations.  I love disco  -- well, essskyooze me! but I do -- and my uncle has stories of hitting the disco clubs when he was in his prime.  My mom was also a hot disco babe back in the day and she taught me a lot of dance moves, and I was looking forward to getting my groove on...is that 'seventies slang?  My cousin didn't know any disco steps so he stopped by a few evenings the week before and we practiced together.  We also watched Saturday Night Fever to get him in the spirit of things. He said he'd seen it before and especially liked the Girl Scout fight scene and I said that I liked it, too, but was it in this movie? and he said, "Oh, yeah."  Then, once we were watching it he realized the movie he was thinking of was Airplane! which we both agreed was a much more enjoyable movie. He suggested, half-kidding (I think...) that instead of practicing disco steps we practice bar brawling.

At the hotel we changed into our dancing duds, my uncle having resurrected a mustard yellow three-piece suit with fantastically wide lapels and flared pants complemented by patent-leather shoes with two-inch heels.  I took one look at them and said, "You're going to break your ankle if you try to dance in those," but he said not to worry my pretty little head about that and I called him an unreconstructed sexist pig and he said, "You bet I am, Sugar tits!" and I said, what was that again?  and he said, "Sugar bits!  I said Sugar bits!" and I gave him a look and said, "Uh, huh.  Got a head start on the adult beverages, did you?" He admitted he'd ordered a couple of beers from room service while I was getting ready.

My cousin dressed in a nice sport coat and tie.  When my uncle excused himself to "drain the lizard" as he said, I re-knotted it for him (my cousin's tie, not my uncle's lizard) so it hung strait.  He promised me he would behave himself this time  and keep an eye on unc to make sure he didn't get too frisky and I said, "Oh, rats!" and he looked surprised, saying "Huh?" and I said, "I'm just kidding!  Duh."  But he looked confused.  I patted him on the arm and said that I was relying on him to not let things get out of hand.  He promised that they would not.  But he gave me a lingering look, and I recalled my mother's repeated warnings to not ever, ever, ever joke with men about anything to do with sex.  As if I didn't know without her admonitions.  But I can't help it.  It's funny! 

I dressed in hot pants (cut-offs, actually) with pantyhose and wedgies and a jacket with a popped collar.  That's about all I could come up with in the way of disco duds.  I wasn't sure if they looked 'seventies or 'eighties, but uncle and cousin both approved.

The weather was delightful, having been in the seventies during the day and still feeling almost balmy when we left the hotel and walked to the same restaurant for dinner my uncle and I had eaten at last year.  My uncle had a rib-eye steak and a baked potato with sour cream, chives and bacon bits, washed down with a Big Sky or two.  My cousin had a gigantic burger with four patties interspersed with melted cheddar and jack cheese topped with bacon and added a large side order of steak fries.  My uncle ordered another Big Sky and slid it over to him.  No one paid any attention.  I had cheese tortellini in marinara sauce and a glass of zinfandel. It made me a little tipsy. I don't know why I ordered it, I don't even like wine, as a rule.  But alcohol reduces my inhibitions and I guess I wanted to loosen up a bit so I could push my behavioral envelope more than usual. Both my uncle and I passed on dessert, opting for coffee, both of us having it black, but my cousin ordered pecan pie topped with black cherry and walnut ice cream.  He's not fat by any means, having been doing hard physical labor on the ranch all winter and he's all sinew and muscle, but he sure has an appetite.

After dinner we walked around enjoying the long shadows and bright sunshine of the westering sun, window-shopped a bit, then strolled over to the park and fed the ducks and geese in the lake.  Just as the sun was setting, we walked to the club and got ready to trip the light fantastic.

When we got to the club it turned out they really weren't playing 'seventies style disco but 'ninetyish house music and nu-disco, which was fine by me, though my uncle was kind of hoping a young Donna Summer would have shown up and started moaning and groaning.  My cousin wanted to know who Donna Summer was and I explained that she had baked a cake but left it in MacArthur Park and it rained...and he just stared at me, baffled, and my uncle began singing the lyrics.

As had the music, the decor of the club had been changed radically since our last visit.  There was a disco ball and rotating colored lights flashing across much dimmer surroundings.  My cousin and I liked it, but my uncle seemed made uncomfortable by it.  He said it gave him a headache.  I suggested a few dances to get the blood circulating might cure that, so we hit the dance floor, which was considerably more crowded than when we were there for the big band fest. The dancers were much younger, too.  My uncle danced well, but I could tell he was not very enthusiastic.  Later, as we sat together at our table he told me that he felt out of place, just an old fossil trying to recapture his youth.  He was embarrassed to be wearing the clothes he had on and felt people were snickering at him.  After the first few dances he said he needed a rest and would dance with me again later on.  But he never did.

My cousin was much more into the vibe of the club and the music, but even he didn't seem to be really enjoying himself.  When I asked him why after our turn on the floor, he said it was because he wanted to dance with a girl -- with me, as what was available, I guess.  And by that he meant hold her, feel her respond to his lead, merge their rhythms together, be close enough to feel her breath on his cheek, be able to talk to her.  But the sort of dancing we were doing was basically two people standing somewhat close together but each dancing alone.  He might as well have been home with his ear buds dancing around by himself in his bedroom.  

Agreeing with him, I thought that the change in dance styles brought on in the 'sixties, I suppose beginning with the Twist, must have affected the relationship between the sexes.  In prior years, men and women touched when dancing, whether it was a cotillion, a square dance, waltz, foxtrot, jitterbug, tango ...whatever it was. Dancing was also a skill you had to acquire and work out with a partner.  It was a cooperative effort that established social norms -- the man led and the woman followed his lead; each learned their role in life, and that, as used to be said, it took two to tango.  But since the 'sixties, popular dancing has been largely a solo experience, often improvised and as a result -- if you asked me -- has become much less popular with the average person, and helped in the alienation of the sexes, maybe even promoted the decline in heterosexual activity and the rise and acceptance of masturbation, which used to be considered a shameful perversion on par with homosexuality -- but physical pleasure, as with so much else in life these days, is now assumed to be a solitary experience.

So, anyway, we sat for a while watching the other dancers, who certainly seemed to be enjoying themselves.  Then, by mutual but scarcely spoken agreement, we left.  I think we were all feeling let down.  We stood outside the club for a few minutes uncertain what to do next. It was still not quite 10. Some couples passed by us going into the club and they glanced at us and we heard a few chuckles and giggles.  My cousin looked like a normal human being, but my uncle and I looked like extras in Disco Zombies 3: The Revenge of Tavares.

So we headed back to the hotel, walking slowly, pausing at store fronts, waiting at red lights even though there was no traffic.  A police cruiser passed us by and the driver glanced over at us. He must have circled the block, because a few minutes later he drove by again, but this time stopped and he and his partner got out of the car and asked us if everything was all right.  That wasn't their real question, of course.  They just wanted to open a conversation and check us out.  They especially eyed me, and I realized that away from the dance club I didn't look like a retro reveler but something entirely different.  And they were probably wondering what Goodwill Industries drop-off box my uncle had looted to acquire his get-up.  

Anyway, they asked if we minded showing them some ID, which we did, my uncle somehow pulling out both his driver's license and his blue card.  I also handed over my USID card. After that, the officers began calling my uncle "Chief" and me "ma'am," with a certain formal respect.  I thought they would check out the IDs on their computer but I guess on closer inspection we didn't look like suspicious characters after all.  We ended up having a nice chat and when we explained that we had dropped by the dance club down the street but hadn't cared for it and were now wondering where to go, they suggested a bar not too far away that had a live country-western act, some local talent.  We hesitated, looking at ourselves and considering how, in these clothes, we would be received at a good-old-boys hang-out.  But the cops said not to worry and offered to drive us over.  So we squeezed into the back seat of the cruiser and off we went.

The bar was on a back street with a neon cowboy hat sign and a couple of beer logos in the windows. Apparently, our method of arrival had been noticed because the patrons all turned to look at us as we entered, and it was not a friendly look.  After the cool night air, the bar felt hot and smelled a bit funky, a combination of roach spray, stale fried food and cheap booze.  We found a corner table and ordered beers, nobody bothering to card my cousin.  I don't like beer so I only took a sip or two.  Plus the stuff goes right through me and I didn't want to have to use their restroom. I shoved it over to my uncle and he said, "Thanks, girlie girlie."

The music was okay, I guess, but it was too loud in such a small space and it seemed pointless to just sit there feeling uncomfortable, so after my uncle and cousin finished their beers we left.  As we got up, one of the men at the next table said to me, "Oh, honey, don't leave. I'm really enjoying the view and was just about to ask you to come home with me.  You don't need these two queers."  I thought, oh, God, here we go, but my cousin didn't seem to have heard the remark and my uncle gave the creep a look that silenced him but otherwise ignored it and escorted me out with a hand lightly touching the small of my back.  You don't get to be a Master Chief (E9) without knowing how to handle men.  There were a couple of rude cat-calls as we left.  I wondered if the cops had delivered us here in all innocence or were they hoping to give us a bad experience and maybe create an incident they could respond to and make some arrests.  They could have done it just for the lulz because they were bored and wanted something to happen. Even on a Friday night, this burg was Dullsville squared.

With  nothing else to do we walked back to the hotel.  As we entered the lobby, we noticed there was an attached restaurant.  I guess it had been closed due to the Covid thing when we had been there before, but now it was brightly lit and looked inviting so we went in, found a nice comfortable booth and had some midrats.  My uncle chose a ham and Swiss cheese on a toasted artisan roll with potato salad on the side.  My cousin ordered a double bacon/ jalapeño cheese burger with sides of curly fries and onion rings. I selected a Cobb salad with the dressing on the side.  My uncle also ordered a beer but the waitress took one look at my cousin as he was about to say he wanted one, too, and shook her head no.  I thought it was interesting that she took their orders before asking me because it's usual to be ladies first, but when she turned to me she said, "Where did you blow in from, honey?" and I realized she wanted to get the boys out of the way before lowering the boom on me.  I shrugged and smiled.  She grimaced, clearly disapproving of me and my get-up.  I worked as a waitress for a time when I was an undergraduate -- $2.11 an hour plus tips -- and I would never have risked a tip by other than being friendly and engaging to my tables, and, believe you me, there were some doozies, including countless leerers, butt slappers and pinchers, propositioners and Norman Bates types. 

My thoughts were interrupted by my uncle saying, "She's my wife, darling, and this child is our youngest of eight sons and six daughters and a genuine high school graduate, although by looking at him you could never tell.  We're celebrating our Golden Wedding Anniversary by dressing the way we did the day we met."  I couldn't help but glance at him with a smile in my eyes and he winked at me.   The waitress looked from him to me and back again and said, "You met in a bordello?"  "A high class bordello, I'll have you know," Unc responded. "Did you marry her when she was in pre-school or wait till she was in kindergarten?"  she asked.  They bantered back and forth like this for a few minutes, finally the waitress poking my uncle on the arm and calling him a pretty good liar for an old goat before going off to fetch our orders. But first she turned to me with a twinkle in her eyes and seemed about to say something but didn't. As she walked away I noted how she walked, leaning a bit to one side in her worn flats, limping very slightly, varicose veins on her calves, no ring on her finger, a hard fifty-plus years on her body, and I thought, Wanda, you are one lucky soul.  Whatever you do from now on in, don't screw it up.

My cousin had observed all this with bemusement, at one point turning to whisper in my ear, "What's a bordello?"  I said I thought it was a type of hat.  He said, "Oh," then, "Huh? That doesn't make any sense."  I said, "I know."  He thought for a minute and then whispered, "What's going on?"  "He's saving the day," I said, to which he muttered, "Some day, I'll say!"  I couldn't disagree.  I'd have had more fun swamping out the stables.  Okay, that's not true.  But if we had all just stayed on the ranch and fooled around we would have had a better time and spent no money.

We lingered over our meal, chatting about this and that and it was after midnight when we went over to the front desk to get our room key.  The night clerk was the same one as had been on duty the two other times I had stayed there and he recognized me as well as my uncle and cousin.  The expression on his face was memorable but he said nothing.  My uncle told him that when he had made our reservation we had been promised a bottle of wine on arrival, but we had received none.  The clerk apologized and said he would bring one up himself, and asked if a  Gewürztraminer, one from a local winery, would be acceptable.  I thought  a what? but my uncle said it would be just fine and could he also bring along a plate of strong cheeses and maybe a baguette to go with and the clerk promised he would.  While they were talking, I idly glanced around the lobby.  It was nice, vaguely Victorian with a lot of dark polished wood, heavy furniture, a bookshelf in the corner with assorted paperbacks, a newspaper rack and a coffee server.  A couple of older men, maybe around 60 or so were sitting alone in big overstuffed chairs.  I wondered why they were up at this hour sitting in a hotel lobby.  Lonely for any kind of human contact?  Waiting for Godot?  Killing time before heading to the airport for their flight to Pago Pago? One was reading a newspaper but the other was looking at me.  I smiled at him and he smiled back, his eyes caressing every inch of me.  Then his gaze slid over to my companions and then back to me and he smiled again, giving a thumbs up.  I don't think anyone had ever actually given me a thumbs up before.  I returned his smile and turned back to my guys as Unc said, "Okay, children, let's go."

The first thing I did when I got into our room was kick off my shoes and wiggle my toes.  I'd selected them for comfort (shoes not toes, duh), but still.  In about 15 minutes the desk clerk knocked politely on our door and my uncle let him in.  He rolled in a room service cart with not only the Gewürztraminer wine chilling in an ice bucket but also a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon.  Alongside it was a plate with a generous selection of cheeses, Gouda, Gorgonzola, English Cheddar, and Swiss, in the center of which was a dish of assorted olives.  There were also three crusty baguettes, warmed and wrapped in a cloth and a dish of something red that I didn't recognize.  I asked what it was and the clerk said tomato jam.  That was a new one on me and I guess my face showed it, for he said it went especially well with the cheddar and he was sure that I would like it.  He opened the wine for us and offered my uncle the first sips.  He savored it and said, "Pretty good for a cowboy town. Them city boys got nothing on us, do they, son?" He tipped the clerk generously, thanking him for going out of his way for us.  As he was shutting the door, I noticed there were only two glasses.  I was about to call him back, then realized that, having brought only two glasses with the wine, as far as the hotel was officially concerned, only the two adults would be drinking it and not the teenager.  

As I was thinking this, my uncle went out in the hall and caught the clerk before he reached the elevator and invited him in to have a nightcap with us.  And he did, saying that all the hotel guests were in their rooms or had their keys and he could check the front desk security camera to see if anyone came by.  Just as he finished explaining this, he got a call, which turned out to be from our waitress.  Her shift was over and as she passed by the desk she saw he was not there and wanted to find out what was up.  As he explained his absence, my uncle, hearing him address his caller by the name of our waitress, whispered in his ear to invite her up to join us.  In a few minutes she appeared and Unc beamed at her, poured her a glass, filled a plate, and the two sat down on the suite sofa and began chatting.  Clearly, they liked each other.  If it was not quite love at first sight, it certainly was friendship.

My cousin, the desk clerk and I formed a second conversation circle and the first thing I did was explain that the elder man was my uncle and the younger my cousin and there was not and never had been any hanky-panky between us.  We had just come to the big city to go dancing.  The clerk seemed both disappointed and relieved at this news.  He may have been hoping that he was about to participate in a night to remember pr0n experience, thus the disappointment. But then, if he had, he might have been fired and dumped by his girlfriend, assuming he had one, thus the relief. Or so I surmised.

At this juncture, my phone rang.  It was el jefe from the other side of the planet so I excused myself and retired to my bedroom for a long, happy chat with my heart's desire.  Then I took a hot shower and went to bed, dead to the world till mid-morning.  

It was shortly after nine when I woke up.  To my surprise, there was a roll-away bed in my room that had not been there when I turned in.  And it had been slept in.  Whaaat?  I made my morning ablutions, dressed and went out into the suite living room to ask what had gone on last night.  But there was no one there, only a note from my uncle saying that he was having breakfast with our waitress, that she had spent the night in my room, and she was going to show him around the town.  He'd lent his Cad to my cousin, who had taken it for a spin, and he had paid for another night at the hotel, so I could relax and spend the day however I chose.

Well, crap, I thought, I want to go home.  I called my dad and he pondered for a minute, then dug out a map of the berg, studied it for a bit and then asked if I could get a car service out to a location he indicated.  I checked with the front desk. I could.  So we worked out the details of a rendezvous.  Then I ordered the most expensive breakfast on the  room service menu -- eggs Benedict with rosemary roasted potatoes and grapefruit anise salad -- left a note for unc and cuz and descended to the lobby to await my ride.  

 I went into the restaurant and looked over their bakery's display of pastries and ordered a choice selection, boxed to go, for my house apes, charging them to our room. I left them and my overnight bag with the desk clerk, who placed them behind the counter. Then I browsed through the paperbacks on the bookshelf I'd noticed the night before.  Blood in the Sand, about Viet Nam,  ballyhooed in the blurb as a shocking novel of war in the raw, the violence, the sex, the drugs.  What?  No rock and roll?  No "All Along the Watch Tower" by Jimi Hendrix?  No "I Ain't No Fortunate Son," by whoever sang that?  Next, I picked up Love Lies Bleeding, a novel, I was informed on the back cover, exposing the brutality of bull fighting, the men who lived it and the women who loved them.  Pass.  Looking at the spines of the rest, I saw Siddhartha  by Herman Hesse, read it; Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo, read it; Appointment in Samara by John O'Hara, read it; a biography of Mahatma Ghandi, Cheri and The Last of Cheri by Colette in one volume, read them; The Green Turtle Mystery by Ellery Queen; The Pelican History of European Thought, Vol. 1, and so on.  Quite an eclectic collection.

While I was browsing the titles, I became aware of a man standing next to me.  He smelled of cigarettes, coffee, fried eggs and after shave lotion. I glanced at him.  A jowly man with a paunch, he looked vaguely familiar. He smiled and said, "So, you're a reader?  Not too many of those around these days." I shrugged.  "By the way," he added, "How did your date go last night?  I've always wanted to try a threesome, and you must have had quite a time with the kid and the geezer both plowing you.  Or did the geezer just want to watch?"  I was actually at a loss for words, and even thoughts.  "Look, honey," he said.  "I've been waiting in the restaurant for you to come down.  I'm about coffeed out, believe me, but I really want to hook up with you.  I have an appointment I'm late for but I will be back this evening for sure and will pay whatever your rates are for full spectrum.  Here's my card."  He scribbled his room number on the back and handed it to me.  "Call me anytime after eight, sweetie.  I'm looking forward to seeing you --" and, looking me over with an eager lewdness, added, "All of you!"  

My suggestion to a certain accoster.

And with that he strode out of the lobby and was gone.  I hadn't said one word.  Who was this guy?  Why did he look familiar?  Then I remembered.  Mr. Thumbs Up in the lobby last night.  I looked around to see if anyone could have overheard him.  There wasn't.  Then I glanced over at the front desk.  The clerk was on the phone.  I looked at the card he'd handed me.  It was from a construction company and had a man's name and title.  His?  Or just some random card he happened to have on him?  I turned it over. There was his room number as I'd seen him write it down, but there was also an elaborately drawn dick squirting on a pair of tits.  He could have drawn it while waiting for me to appear.  I was about to toss the card away, but then thought, no, I'll keep it.  What a souvenir of this crummy trip. I was about to put it in my pocket when I had second thoughts.  I didn't want the thing. I tore it up and tossed it in a waste basket. 

I went over to the window and stared out.  Only an occasional car or pickup passed by.  No pedestrians.  Across the street, I noticed a used book store.  I glanced at the clock on the lobby wall and decided I had enough time to check it out. I felt a little chilly after the warmth of the lobby as I crossed the street, the sky overcast and a breeze blowing a paper or two along the pavement. I didn't like the look of that sky and hoped it wouldn't rain.  

I was the only customer in the store and the proprietor, for such she at the cash register was, asked if there was something in particular I was looking for.  I said I would just browse.  She looked a bit disappointed and sagged back onto her stool, picking up the book she had been reading.  But right away I found a series of books, all of them looking brand new, that I was sure my dad would love: exquisitely produced hardback histories with slick color photographic plates of BSA Twins and Triples, Triumph Twins and Triples, The Complete History of the Development of the Triumph Bonneville,  Norton Singles and Twins, and Whatever Happened to the British Motorcycle Industry? I grabbed them all and lugged them to the check out.  

The proprietress looked both pleased and surprised as she rang up the sale. "You don't look like a person interested in motorcycles, are they a gift?" she asked, and I said, oh, yeah, they are for my dad, who is a huge fan of British motorcycles and owns several. "I didn't know the British made motorcycles," she said.  "I always associate Britain with woolens, thatched-roof cottages, tea time and Sherlock Holmes."  And Spitfires, I chimed in.  Don't forget Spitfires.  "Spitfires...," she repeated, mulling over the term as if it sounded familiar but she wasn't quite sure what it was.  The Battle of Britain, I prompted, Mrs. Miniver and all that.  "Oh, yes!" she brightened.  "I loved that book!"  Me, too, I said. And the movie was pretty good, too.  "Oh, yes.  Greer Garson was really good in that.  Do you like old movies?  I love them so much.  I can't stand the ones they make today.  They're just horrible.  I don't know what's wrong with everything today."  And so we got to talking, discovering one of our favorite movies was Brief Encounter and another Rebecca, and how we loved the England that was, or at least the England that we imagined once was -- Robin Hood and All Creatures Great and Small,  Shelley and Keats and Alfred, Lord Tennyson -- All round the coast the languid air did swoon -- Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Idylls of the King, A Tale of Two Cities, The Old Curiosity Shop, The Mayor of Casterbridge, Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog), Wuthering Heights, Vanity Fair, Good-by, Mr. Chips, 84 Charing Cross Road,  Cider with Rosie ....  

Just as we were falling into the deepest intimate, bonding conversation, I caught out of the corner of my eye a car pull up in front of the hotel and realized it must be my ride, and so, with a pressing of my hand into hers, I bid the pleasant lady I had so enjoyed chatting with a fond adieu, grabbed my bag of books and darted across the street without looking -- no fear, no traffic -- confirmed with the driver that he was for me, dashed into the hotel for my things and hopped into the backseat of his Hyundai Elantra and hied me hence from this imitation metropolis. 

A bit puzzled, the driver dropped me off beside a vacant field at the edge of town.  He started to leave, then said he would wait until the person I expected to meet arrived.  I said that was awfully kind of him, and I thought it was; it relieved me of the worry I had of what I would do if things did not go as planned:  I'd just go back  to the hotel.

But they did.  In a few minutes we heard the buzz of a puddle jumper and our Aviat Husky appeared, circled the field once and landed with a gentle ker-flop, taxied over to me, and there was the mighty Popster waving me aboard.  I handed the driver an extra twenty in my relief, hopped into the Husky and we took off like a kite in a stiff breeze and soared into the sky.  I was back home about one, vowing that that would be the last damn time I went to that stupid burg to go dancing or do any thing else that I wasn't absolutely required to.

But on later reflection, I realized that I had enjoyed myself, the mini trip breaking up the monotony of the days, allowing me to don some hotchacha duds, which I always enjoy, dance to a live band, have some interesting conversations, get some bakery yummies for my holy terrors, see my uncle make a connection that might lead to a new phase in his life, and give my dad some books that he was really pleased to get, so all in all, it was worth it.  My poor uncle, though, pissed away a thousand bucks or so on us mooching reprobates.  I hope he thought it was worth it.  I would offer to share the cost but I knew he would not accept.  I'd have to get him a really nice birthday present.  And my cousin?  He discovered that ball-room dancing has its value and got to tool around in a Cadillac sports coupe.  Lord knows what adventures he got up to.